keep having dreams where You and I are getting married ? hugging ? I am holding you and you are holding someone else ? in every dream you say "I shouldn't be doing this" and then you do it anyway - just like you used to do, just like we used to be - I tell people about Us and they are horrified by what they think is a lack of intimacy - no identifying photos - nothing to remember Us by - I swear that anonymity was intimacy unhindered - we could be whoever we wanted - I wanted to be With You - you wanted to be Something Else - in my dreams we don't work out, either - I sob to the rap we used to scream to - I choke up at every geographic anomaly - incognito means I don't know where to avoid until I'm already there - I whisper your name into a fire - I see you everywhere and nowhere. maybe I'll never see you again.
been hanging out w people 1-on-1 & picking up phone calls & walking to the corner store & saying hi to the neighbors & I'm proud of myself for holding so many convos & engaging w so many people, despite my crippling anxiety & back pain lmfao
currently: sobbing like i haven't since i stopped drinking lmao
for someone who is anti-academia, i sure have fucked a lot of professors
been thinking a lot about shame as a concept and as a tool to heal yourself & others FROM yrself
"treason, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder "
trying to hang out less with people who talk about themselves more
just realized i am "the ex who went to jail" for multiple people 😬
(but also many ppl I've dated have been to jail lmao)
(but also some people I've dated have also been dating other people who have also been to jail lmao)
i haven't written anything in like a year bc i haven't gotten published in over year bc i haven't written anything in like a year bc i haven't gotten published in over a year bc i haven't written anything in like
"you either die or you live long enough to become problematic"
you: getting clients bc you're thin and have boobs
me: not getting clients, also not thin, also don't have boobs
"my dear felon"
Annoying, Transsexual, Cancellation Inevitable
Deprived, Depraved, And Medically Insane
"positively horny with grief"
my p/o changed his number and didn't tell me so I've been messaging him for months about my restitution payments and he hasn't been getting him, so now I'm in default, bc I "didn't" contact anyone 🙃🙃🙃
got a notice to appear in court for failure to pay restitution lmao excellent very cool very chill
"you hate me, bitch, it's a mutual feeling"
compound w (the stuff you use to get rid of warts) smells exactly like poppers (the stuff you use to have gay sex)
shooting the shit, or as the gays call it, pillow talk
just had the chillest nye of my lYfe
i was gna go to a customer service job interview yesterday but then a man cheating on his wife paid me over 100 for pictures of my asshole, so ¯_(ツ)_/¯
"communist sympathizer and misfit"
"heckling: the world's second oldest profession"
feeling content about my content
"golly, like, what a homo"
just went on a walk without taking meds directly before or after for the first time in literally YEARS :)
got the floor fixed AND got the L&I person to come out to get in the landlords face about repairs lmao
okay now I've pulled the wheel of fortune THREE times 🙃
i pulled the wheel of fortune 2 days in a row what d o e s it MEAN
my surgery feels like a miracle but this recovery period is 4 stressful
should I hate my sister's boyfriend that she's MoVING IN WITH ?? on principle yes or maybe or fill in the blank
just hung out w a bunch of ppl I'd never met b4 at a dear friend's surprise bday party + I think it went well + chill :)
i just made more a minute than i made an hour working customer service lmF A OOO ooo
a man wearing a dirty neon construction sweatshirt driving a beautifully maintained white limo
things ms. izzard longs for
MORE DANGEROUS THAN A SHOTGUN
putting off pulling my tarot card for today bc i don't wanna get dragged
i redid https://manifeasto.thoughts.page by which i mean i only kept the commentary that wasn't past-me pandering to future-you
numbingly and mindlessly and helplessly consuming anything and everything my brain latches onto until my surgery date
i like musicals i just don't like Musical Theatre
"stop making your hatred of yourself someone else's problem"
"a Shakespearean play in the style of KUWTK" - my roommate
relearning how to enjoy kissing
every single dream i have about my cat getting lost we always find each other again <333
i took my entire month's supply of ativan and i still didn't sleep thru the night lmao
"I guess people with criminal records can be poets too__"
"if farts are fair game, so is g0d"
"I shave, sir. I have a driver's license. I've won a couple of fist fights. I've saved a life. I've lain with women. I've been hustled at pool. I've defied my father's wishes. I have broken hearts and I have been heartbroken. So, by all the markers of this society, I am a grown man."
i love how many diy queer pop/rock artists are making moves rn
"they call you a rat because rats will do anything to survive, isn't that right?" -- goodfellas, still.
this is the 2nd time ive been to this urgent care in less than 2 months 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
"that's what the fbi would never understand, that this organization offered protection for people who couldn't go to the cops." -- goodfellas
I can hear tenderqueers talking about how they hate being discriminated against for being tenderqueers and I just threw up. they're unrelated but they feel similar
overheard 2 ppl at the family dollar talking and one was telling the other abt how the girl he's sleeping with said "I suck your dick better than anyone else" as a point towards him being w/ her AND HE SAID TO HIS FRIEND, AT REGULAR TALKING VOLUME, IN THE FAMILY DOLLAR, "I wasn't gonna tell her but that's not even true, like I'm not going to get into it, but she's really full of herself with that" and I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! L A U G H
i guess Being In Recovery means being the person who gets dr+gs stolen from them and not the person who is stealing the dr+gs 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪
"prepare for the lovely unexpected" https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/andie-nordgren-the-short-instructional-manifesto-for-relationship-anarchy
TENDERIZE MY HEART
/pop punk band vocals voice/
she says she sa-ays YOURE SO GOOD AT THIS
i say i sa-ay THANKS, IM LITERALLY A PROFESSIONAL, DO YOU THINK U COULD LEAVE ME A REVIEW OR--? /line clicks/ HELLO? HELLOOO?
M A S C //////////// U P
"doors @ 7, orgy @ 8"
THE CARD I PULLED TODAY SAID I HAVE THE WRONG IMPRESSION OF SOMEONE AND IM WORRIED ITS ABOUT THE PERSON IM THINKING ABOUT ?? JFC RUDE I SHOULD NOT HAVE PULLED A CARD TODAY LMAO
I come like a thief--
Oh child, you cannot stay awake
Were you raised to fear yourself
like I was?
Oh darling, a yew-bloom into debt-sin.
Is this not what you wanted?
Creation without limit?
Oh, where are my manners?
Let me introduce you to perdition.
I lay myself on your chest.
My home is your voice.
Child, I am crazed with you.
Oh, strapped for sustenance--
I will consume all you love.
I will consume all who love you.
[revolution and/or revelation]
[revulsion and/or revision]
There is no escape without sleep.
I am a w[hole]. I empty as I fill.
Child, I missed you. I mist you.
I guest you. I ghost you.
I will be your final meal.
I will meet you within the past.
We will walk the aisle
to the altar of the future.
This will be our final communication.
[commission from late 2020, to be played as a game on a website that I can't currently remember the name of but I'll edit this post if I think of it lmao]
being an adult is putting the fitted sheet back on yr bed during sxx instead of just flinging it across the room to be dealt with when the drxgs wear off
some dude just went down the street singing so in love by ed sheeran at the top of his lungs !!!! and it was GOOD n i hope whatever he's got going on is going well
about 10 dogs just started barking outside of my window and it was STARTLING
i gotta stop using ppls names in stories i tell l m f a o
"When the person you are visiting enters and departs you may exchange a brief kiss and embrace.
No other kissing or hugging is allowed. You may hold hands."
-- CFCF prison website
VENUS IN TAURUS
i left after she
came. already planning on
lying at home, too.
i keep coming back to a convo w/ a friend i had about pulling cards every other day instead of every day and it's a cool concept: less stress of remembering to do something every day, more time to consider how you interact w/ the world thru the lense of that card. i think it would be interesting to document the times the cards speak to me in relation to things happening in my life, so i can see if pulling them is having any significant impact on my quality of life/mental health/etc.
my eye only twitches when I drink energy drinks
gender of the day is "fuckshit cousin"
g∅ddamnb i finally have tinnitus i guess ugh
i need to go to therapy bc talking abt depressing things 2 my friends makes me AND THEM depressed + that succs, i cried a lot and reached out to some therapists who hopefully take my insurance, i need to Not Fuckin Stop Taking My Meds, which i tried this past week, and it Did Not Go Well, Clearly lmfao.
CRYING IN THE 7/11 PARKING LOT,,,, SHE SAID,
"you're like a pot of gold tucked away in a cave just over the crest of a mountain range"
AND THEN SHE SAID,
"a trek to find yet truly so cherishable and view is so worthwhile"
AND I KEPT CRYING BUT IT FELT OKAY I FELT OKAY
alright guys ive scheduled The Surgery* at the end of November !!!!
*gettin part of my spine removed so i can walk properly lmao
been thinking about the theoretical existence of a lesson plan for something titled I Don't Want You Like A Best Friend: The Overt Saphhic and Quiet Queerness of Taylor Swift's Music, made with info my friends have collected from a decade of Gaylor research 🤔🤔
im not anti-FA, im anti fa la la la la la la la la
wow can't wait for The Surgery*
*severing my torso and getting rid of the rest
my favorite sound in the world is strangers laughing in the distance, it just brings me JOY !
ALL GUILTS ARE PLEASURES
a blessed object that looks like a cursed object
spoiler alert: new simpsons episode sucks
"injury or birth"
2day i also listened to 2 different ppl vent while also making plans w 2 other different ppl
technology has evolved in such a way that im expected to split my attention 4 ways and retain none of the convos and comfort none of my friends rather than do them all individually / less immediately // ya feel ?? i wish my brain would slow down vs. speed up when it would actually be helpful
2day i tasted my homie's breast milk and can confirm it's sweet just like her
acid 222 stimmies 222 cashmonay 222 tattuu (!!!!) "the guy who sells a paperclip and buys a house but the g@y dr*g version"
booking a bunch of tattoo appointments to fill the void in myself that happened after booking a bunch of doctors appointments
i said, i know you're tough, you don't have to prove it to me
and then she said, the hardest thing about us is our tattoos
gonna start doing some things differently.
0 DD 777o
"some change cannot be fought, only accepted w/ grace. let yrself move forward, and put this battle behind you."
"a leadership role also demands that you know when to step back"
"there are resources available to you that can only be capitalized upon thru boundless persistence"
fuck, i think i love her, and
am i being followed by the cops or does a cop car just happen to be behind me
The Hole In Me is gettin ROUGH around the edges
reasons i am like Silvio Dante:
loves silk in every context
gets a good insult in whenever he's being arrested
im the second smallest cat in the world's second favorite person !!! she falls asleep and wakes up with me like a dream but it's better
WHY is words with friends the only app that still uses my govt name????? it's just RUDE
IF NOT ABLE TO ELIMINATE THE OPTION OF CAPTURE ONE SHOULD AT LEAST MINIMIZE THE OPPORTUNITY FOR IT
ever notice how skinny ppl only ever hang out with other skinny ppl lmao
last 2 nights ive dreamt that i got cancelled,,, @g0d what does it MEAN
they told me it was lox AND creamcheese but they gave me lox-BASED creamcheese 😤
i can be friends w/ppl who dnt always see eye2eye, rite??
where should i leave to?
when am i welcome?
currently: spraying coconut milk whipped cream into my mouth
I honestly love going on Venmo and looking at strangers public transactions it's like people watching except I'm baffled as to WHY they didn't just put it on private lmaoo
when ur in a polyam relationship and ur partner cheats on you there's rly no way to quantify or explain it there's just this chasm where trust used to be
horse tranq makes brain feel freshly ironed
woke up from a beautiful dream crying bc it has no basis in reality
IF I REPEAT IT ENOUGH TIMES IT BECOMES TRUE
IF I REPEAT IT ENOUGH TIMES IT BECOMES ALIVE
IF I BELIEVE IT ENOUGH TIMES IT REPEATS
IF I BELIEVE IT REPEATS IT BECOMES ALIVE
IF I BELIEVE IT ALIVE IT BECOMES TRUE
can't beliEVe spotify suggested the playlist "straightedge anthems" to me why the FUCK can't I just bring horse tranquilizers into this HOSPital without being JUDGED
crying in pain b4 bringing someone else to the hospital
talking w/ my lawyer is just thought-crime intervention ya know lmao
i put everything bagel seasoning on rice and it slaps yall
i forgot how much i love cucumbers, esp persian cucumbers
i understand why this book is an international success but the author describes women so rudely that it barely seems worth it
YOU CAN TRY BUT I WONT GO QUIET
IN THE BACK OF A COP CAR
YOU CAN TRY BUT I WONT GO QUIET
I N T H E B A C K O F A C O P C A R
IF I CANT HAVE LOVE I WANT POWER
do you think jinxing is real? Like talking about stuff will scare it away from happening?
sex is just a weapon that you won't have to use a lot if you're any good at it
can we please start cancelling poets I wanna duke it out in the arena like g0ds
having relationships that change and grow to contain the experiences of that friendship is a blessing. I am learning how to accept support from anywhere even if it is somewhere I wouldn't have accepted before. I am realizing I can hold negative things I know a person has done in the same breath as I know they are anchoring me into the moment. I am so so raw but I want it to work, in the sense that I don't ever want to feel estranged from my heart-friends, even if our paths are no longer together I want to cheer my ex-lovers on! I want to be a supportive person and feel confident about my support people. I want to know in my soul that you will have my back even if we never talk after this. I want to wake up with the ghost of your hand lingering on my hair.
I'm worried my doctor is gonna make me stop eating fun foods :(
"queerer than a box of birds"
I'm from EN. E. DOUBLEYOU. jerz
i knew it was serious when they took my passport + locked the door
IF I DIE IN CUSTODY AND THEY CALL IT A SUICIDE JUST KNOW THAT IT WASN'T AND THEY KILLED ME
just ate a wawa sandwich + drank a tim hortons coffee @ the same time 🙏😇🙌
"activation time is 60 min" bi t ch i'm ILL
the bass hits different when yr not here
I FELL IN LOVE / IN THE BACK / OF A COP CAR
"my identity by itself causes violence"
A BAD BITCH
GAVE ME BOMB HEAD
TO BAD BRAINS
[run the jewels]
falling asleep sitting up dreaming about praying in my pastor's voice
"you'd hate a cop car too if you ever had to sit in the back of it" [dae zhen]
did some math & i'm p sure i'm now 6 months alc. sober
TODAY I WENT TO AN EDA MEETING AND TALKED ABOUT MY PARENTS AND I DIDNT DIE
hmmm looks like today's gender is "crying in the laundromat"
read a letter today from someone on death row who is rapidly going blind + is being ignored by all the prison doctors, who he says have basically given up on him, + not to put too fine of a point on it, but that's why i hate anyone who works with prisons or cops, even if they don't see themselves as cops; they're just as complicit in upholding the dehumanization of individuals in the system.
i really frICkeED iT Up ThIs tImE didn't i my duuUUUuude
chopsticks are also tiny drumsticks
if Wicked (the book) and Bojack Horseman were in the same universe, that would account for how a feral baby existed in that episode about Hank Hippopopalous and thusly bit him on television (also i was that feral baby)
roses are red
the thin line is blue
your bosses & landlord
don't care abt u!!!!!!!!!!!
i am the family emergency
kill: emotional labor
????i keep pulling the lovers card and yet????!!!??nO lovers:(
the astrologers in their infinite mercy
only cluck at my cards this time
we all know i’ll skip a party to wait for
a text that doesn’t happen
i’m not making my bed i haven’t in weeks
i’m just lying in it
i came out when poets still listed the states
we were allowed to consummate
marriage in and the crowd chanted
their contrapuntal traumas back
one time i read something that said "whenever i feel uncomfortable in public i write i really gassed up missed connection about myself and feel better" and its truly stuck w/ me as a self-care tactic
multiple small birds keyboard smashing to funky jamz
some reimagined words i like:
jort (short jeans)
svp ('pls' but french)
anartist (anarcho-artist, can be deg. or not)
shants (either 'shall nots' or 'shit pants')
jockey (wearing jeans while playing hockey)
IN TRANNY JAIL PEOPLE WHO HATE ME WILL SHARE THEIR CIGS WITH ME
i don't even like cigs but
around the fire we are all the same kind
of faggot /
there are liberals who think the solution to
overcrowded prisons is building
then sorting the trannies out of regular jail
and putting them in a newly built
and in tranny jail,
we're gonna lift weights and compare shitty tattoos
in tranny jail,
people who have beef with me probably still
have beef with me and i wonder
all the time if we're all
in tranny jail together,
will we finally uplift each other?
will tranny jail make us kinder animals?
(we'll never know b/c if they get enuf of us in a cell we'll bang down the bars)
acab • host